


where the light should've been

by ILoveMisha2



Series: The end [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean - Freeform, Drug Use, Drugs, Endverse, Hurt, Other, Supernatural - Freeform, The End, attempt at comfort, cas, destiel one-sided, pity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean gets nightly visits from Cas. Most of the time Cas says things Dean doesn't want to hear but needs to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	where the light should've been

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry no smut here  
> Comments would be nice :)  
> Mild language  
> I seem to have an obsession with the end for some odd reason.  
> All the fics i have posted so far have been previously written, as in years ago, and I'm just starting to put them online so sorry if my fics seem out dated and do not cover new episodes.  
> *all mistakes are mine so sorry, i do not own supernatural or the characters*

The wind swirled around the camp, the broken leaves and garbage spinning and throwing themselves towards other cabins and puddles. It’s cold enough to be winter, the sun hasn’t fully shown in five years. Sam said yes to Lucifer, most people choose to believe it’s because he was weak. My brother may have been many things, the freak, an abomination, the boy with the demon blood, but weak wasn’t one of them. He said yes because it was our plan, our plan that backfired. Now just me, Chuck, and Cas help keep what little we have left together. I hate laying here, in my cold cabin, thinking about the end. There’s a knock at my door, it’s late so it can only be one person. He doesn’t wait for me to open the door, instead he stumbles on in. Cas is obviously not completely himself, he never is anymore. I can almost remember the exact moment he shifted, the first drug. The sarcasm rolled off him thickly in a way that would never belong to him, even now, I hated to see him wear it. It was his new mask, it started a little after his wings were clipped. I wanted to be there for him, I did. Especially the day he came and begged me. He told me everything and I shot him down, pushed him away, and forced him into darkness . . . . Later that night I walked past his cabin,his door was wide open, smoke swirling out, and a few women inside. I wasn’t stupid, I knew what they were doing. It killed me but none of that was my Cas. I wished I had helped him,I wished I had been the one to show him mercy and love. I usually get this whole nightly visit thing. He talks about different things but all in the same tone, dull and uninterested. I try my best to mimic that tone but I can’t quite get there. His whole drug thing makes him emotionless. When he comes down from his high is when things become real, he denies it but I’ve seen it in his eyes. I feel him sit on my bed, his familiar weight beside me, stretching out to get comfortable. I know he comes here when he’s scared and wants comfort. We’re not as close as we used to be, not by far, but I guess in these times he can imagine we are, and I can do that much for him to play along. Sometimes he stays all night. His shaky fingers slide over my bare shoulder as if he was going to turn me over to face him but instead he gives a light squeeze.

“You awake Dean?”

I didn't answer right away, not sure if I wanted to but eventually I sighed out.

“Yeah”

He removed his grip as I turned to look at him. He leaned back against the headboard, eyes closed. He looked worse somehow although I know nothing has changed. I don’t remember when these nightly visits started but I didn't have the heart to stop them. I’m heartless when I have to be, I always do my job first. The old me would’ve never allowed this, him next to me, warm under the blankets, but I’m not that guy anymore. He smells like cigarettes, pot, and whiskey but it’s oddly inviting and comfortable. I don’t know if I can admit that I need him here as much as he needs me but I know in the morning I’ll lock all my feelings away and make the hard decisions . I’ll push him and the truth so far away till he becomes another faceless member in our camp. He gets up and walks over to the small fireplace,putting wood into it,after ten minutes it’s burning on its own. The fire splashes light on his features and plays with his eyes although they don’t play back. He comes to lay back down, the familiar weight of him is back and in its small absence I’ve missed it. We can see each other more clearly now and I don't know if that’s more good than bad or vice versa.

“I’m sorry Dean.”

“For what?”

He looked ahead solemnly, trying to find the words. Some nights they break me,on rare occasion they break him.

“For everything. I know you hate me like this.”

“I don’t hate you Cas. Why don’t you just lie down and get some sleep? We both know you could use it.”

“I don’t want to sleep. You’ll hate me in the morning, you always do.”

What do I say to that? I know it’s true although it’s not hate. I could never hate Cas. I just hate what has happened to him, what I turned him into because I refused to be there for him like he had always been for me.

“I’m sorry Cas”

“Sure Dean.”

I didn't know what else to say so the minutes of silence passed as I sat and drowned in the guilt of him.

“Why does it have to be this way?”

As usual he was starting the questions off with a bang. His eyes met mine and I saw a flicker of emotion in them, he must be coming down. He no longer has that smart-ass grin, in place is just broken pieces of what it was.

“Cas, you know why. It’s my job.”

“It’s not though Dean. Why would your job be hurting the people you’re supposed to be friends with?”

He licked his always chapped lips and lifted his hips up, hand fishing in his pockets for something. When he finds what he’s looking for his body relieves the tension I didn’t notice he had. He pulled the joint to the light and that stupid smirk was spreading itself across his face again. I rested my hand on his,hoping my eyes conveyed my feelings.

“Please, Cas, don’t”

He looked at me sarcastically, raising an eyebrow, as if I had a say in what he does, as if I could stop him, as if I even cared.

“Why should I, Dean?”

The smirk I hated was still rested on his features effortlessly although it was softer in a way. His eyes glistened as anger and annoyance bubbled through his careful mask, awaiting my answer that he knew could kill him or save him.

“Because, Cas, I need you here."

“I am here,I’m always here,things will be different in the morning anyway.”

"Save it for the morning then?”

He stared at the joint in his fingers for a minute, then his shoulders slumped in defeat as he sat it on the night stand as if he wanted it to tease him. To me he sat it there as a reminder that the darkness was still here, that he wasn’t him and he didn’t carry himself the same way. We laid in silence for a few minutes before he spoke, tone thoughtful, soft, with no hint of accusation or bitterness.

“It’s because of you, ya’know.”

“What do you mean?”

“There isn’t anything I hold against you,not a lot of shit is your fault like you think it is. But this,this is because of you, Dean”

“What are you talking about, Cas? The freaking apocalypse? Don’t you think I know that?”

“No, not that. Me.”

“Cas, please. Stop. Why do we have to talk about this?”

“Don’t you want the truth? Maybe if I give it to you you’ll hate me more, so it’ll be easier for you to pretend I’m nothing. Every morning I become nothing to you.”

“I don’t want to talk about this but you’ll give the truth to me either way, and again, Cas, I don’t hate you.”

“I chose this path, I did this to myself, but it’s because of you, Dean. How else was I supposed to drown out the memories of you? I loved you, I followed you, I sacrificed everything for you. I’m not saying this for pity or as a guilt trip. I’m saying this so you can understand what you put us through”

He used the past-tense ‘Loved’, I’d have been lying if I said that didn’t hurt,not just for me but for him too. For all the time he wasted when I didn’t even notice how he felt, for him losing the last thing he held onto. I saw the pain spill out of his eyes as the tears began, I heard them in his words as soon as they passed his lips. I wrapped my arms around him as he just sat there, tears dropping. I guess my gesture was better late than never.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen.”

“I know, and that’s why I don't blame you, I never could. How were you supposed to know?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not so bad really. The drugs let me remember you the right way, they let me see you whenever I want, even during the day. They let me pretend my grace is still present. It’s not that bad.”

“I’m not buying the ‘it’s not so bad’ bullshit, Cas. Don’t pretend with me, not this time, not now. Don’t you dare do that now! I- I miss you.”

“You’ve never missed me before.”

He didn’t understand, since he first started his spiral downwards I missed him. I missed the crystal clear blue eyes holding so much emotion. I missed how alive he was from the way that he walked to the way that he spoke. I missed his company,I missed how strong willed he was, how he was optimistic to the end,and how he was just there in general. I missed the company of understanding and acceptance, I missed having someone I didn’t have to lie to. I should have told him how great he was when I had had the chance, when it would’ve mattered because now there was nothing left.

“I’ve missed you for some time now,Cas, but not this you in front of me.”

I touched his chest as an example. I saw the shell of one of the most powerful beings every day. Even without his grace he was still perfect, a part of him was still my old, Cas. He was everything I wished I could’ve been at one time.

“I’m not understanding, I’m always here when you need me.”

He tilted his head slightly like he so often did years ago. It was such an innocent gesture. I realized I had missed it.

“I miss who you were before.”

“Oh. When I had my grace.”

His tone was full of disgust, and it hurt that he would think I’d be that unforgiving. After all this time I thought we had understood each other. I guess this conversation proved me wrong.

“No, Cas, I could care less about your grace. I miss you, before this whole mess and the drugs.”

It was quiet for a moment. He looked at me knowingly pursing his lips. He smiled timidly, apologetically.

“I miss me too.”

For a moment I could see what he was saying. He missed how his grace would make him fly, how he could help people, how he could be useful. The time he knew who he was and what he fought for without confusion. It must be tough,losing yourself and just watching everything you’ve worked towards burn into dust with no power to stop it, hell, I know it’s tough. I squeezed him tighter as if it could shelter and save him. He was so much smaller and fragile, all bones and skin. The drugs took their toll. He started to struggle against my hold so I let go, looking at him in confusion.

“What is it, Cas?”

“Things will be different in the morning, so please don’t try to show me you care, when in the morning you won’t.”

“I know this is hard but it’s the way it has to be. I miss you then too I just can’t show it. We have a job to do, a role to play, I can’t let people see my weakness, Cas.”

“I know, Dean. I just don’t want this, not anymore. I don’t want to feel useful for a couple hours then get thrown away by you out of nowhere. I spent all my time trying to be someone you’d love, someone you’d need, now I spend all my time trying to drown you and the mark you left on me out with whatever I can get my hands on whether that be drugs, alcohol, or women. I just wanted to be someone you’d give a damn about again.”

“Cas, I’ve always needed you. I promi-“

“Don’t promise me anything, I don't want your stupid promises. I know things won’t change, they never do anymore. I’m not hurt anymore I guess, I just . . . . .”

He never finished his sentence, not sure of what he was or what he wanted anymore. He was coming down fast. His eyes were almost the clear blue I remembered, his voice was ringing with unwanted emotion and truth as the dullness the drugs gave his voice died out. His reality was caving around him, that’s why he didn’t want this anymore, I don't blame him. Why would you want to be loved for mere hours then feel hated for eternity?

“You don’t think I know that, Cas, that I feel that too?”

"I know you do and that’s why I’m making this decision.”

“No, you’re making this decision because of the lack of drugs in you.”

“You mean the truth, Dean? Because now I can see exactly how fucked up all this is? Because I can see just how fucked up you really are?”

The truth, he finally said it. The things he really meant, the side he tried to hide for good reason because it would hurt the both of us. Why did I have to be such a screw up? Why did I have to be the leader with the world on my shoulders? We deserved better, the damn apocalypse forcing the worst. This wasn’t anybody’s fault but God’s. did the end really mean all that much to him?

“I know you’re tired of worrying, Dean, so just don’t. just let it go?”

He snuggled closer to me, holding onto my arm as if I was his anchor keeping him steady.

“I can’t”

“Why not? Because you’re worried about the others?”

“Yes, Cas.”

“You’re scared too.”

“No, I’m not.”

He clung onto me, getting as close as he possibly could, head buried in my shoulder. I felt his hot breath on my neck, even his tears were warm. I rested my arm over him, protecting my baby in a trench coat, even from himself. He knew me so well, even after everything. I barely knew him now, but I’m the one who pushed him away when all he wanted was to help and be helped.

“I’m here,I’ll let go with you if you want. I have nothing left to live for anyway besides you, Dean.”

“We can’t let go, Cas. We’ll be okay together. We’ll make it through, we always do. I promise.”

“Because mornings almost here and what we are right now will dissolve with the night. I get it.”

We sat in silence, he was him again and I was me, but it would only last for a few more hours. When the light came he would light the joint, my wall would go back up, and everything we fought for like this moment would be gone in the smoke that filled his lungs and exited into the air with a simple outtake of breath.

“It’s the way it has to be, Cas.”

“I know.”

In the morning the fire was out and Cas was just lying there beside me as close as he could. His eyes were so clear and beautiful. I could tell he’d been thinking a lot, he probably didn’t sleep. His eyes were red-rimmed with the sleepless night along with the tears he had shed but he still looked so much like the old him, even though he was shaky from withdrawal. A small smile was on his lips when I looked at him. He leaned up and kissed my forehead then slid out of the bed and sat in the only chair in my cabin, twirling his joint between long, pale, fingers, as if my awakening signalled morning rather than morning itself. He left me in that empty space and crawled into his own, his eyes so alive it scared me. He lit a match to light his joint and smiled apologetically when he saw me grimace. This hurt him too but he needed it to escape me. It was too late to stop, to late to feel emotions long gone and numbed. He took a puff and closed his eyes in ecstasy, ready to hit that familiar territory he couldn't live without. His face held shame and regret for what he was doing. Maybe he was waiting for my protest, hoping I'd keep him alive some other way. I knew i couldn't save him anymore because he didn't want to be saved in a way. He took a few more puffs with his eyes still closed and when he opened them the light was trickling away, the Crystal flickering. I had to speak while he was still in reality. 

"Cas, i wish to God it didn't have to be this way. You know that right? I wish we could stay here forever and be who we used to. I wish i could've saved you like i should've. I fucked up, and i wish i could change it."

"I . . .It's alright. I really don't care anymore. Save who you want, maybe yourself."

"Can you forgive me Cas? For every morning? For every way i screwed up, for everything?" 

His expression softened, as if he was shocked and comforted that i asked for forgiveness. Maybe he didn't think himself worthy of such a gesture anymore. 

"Of course, I'll always forgive you, Dean." 

His smile soon ghosted into that familiar mask and smart-ass grin he wore effortlessly, as his eyes closed off from his soul and the smoke filled them. He mumbled an incredulous laugh as his hand outstretched to me offering his drug, his "new heaven" or so he called it. 

"I don't want any, Cas"

"Just hold it then?"

I took it from his fingers in an uneducated manner. He pulled out a couple pills from his pocket and swallowed them without hesitation. 

"Really, Cas?" 

He ignored my protests, i could see the drugs seeping into him by the minute.

"Thanks for holding that. I'm running low so I'm gonna have to cut down. Maybe you'll get the old me back after all, but this you won't want him." 

"That's not true, Cas. I-uh- I love you." 

He stared at the joint between his fingers, consuming him. He laughed again, my words had no weight on him anymore, not those words at least because he no longer felt that towards me. 

"Sure, Dean. If that's what you believe." 

And with that he stood up and walked right out of my cabin, taking the warmth of last night with him. He'd be back tonight, and when he comes I'll be ready to tell him how much he means and just like last night it will be gone in the morning. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell him everything, maybe instead of that smoke holding him together it'll be me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Check out my other works if you have time, please :)


End file.
